The List

Shopping lists, guest lists, playlists, blacklists. Lists are an integral part of our lives. Whether it's our emergency contact list or that asshole's list who's standing outside the club with a clipboard not letting us in, lists pop up everywhere. Sometimes we write them down, sometimes we ask our friends to help us remember, but most of the time they stay floating around in our heads.

As a twentysomething male, I am extremely interested by one list in particular. It's rarely written down and only revealed to a trusted few in oral tradition. It's closely guarded, yet ubiquitous by nature. It's an all-powerful list that separates the haves from the have-nots. It takes enormous amounts of time and patience to uncover its exact makeup. I'm like Indiana Jones looking for this shit. Constantly probing and manipulating conversation to learn more about this infamous list, 'What women want in a guy.'

Every girl has the list but no two of them are alike. When they're young the list may seem irrational and arbitrary, but they're ironclad nonetheless. As they grow older, it changes from having a tattoo to having a nice car. Then it slowly evolves to include having a good job and a caring family. Then, in a few rare cases when the girl gets a lil too old, everything flies out the window and the list rapidly dwindles to just 'must have hair and good teeth.'

But through it all I have discovered that there is a constant. One intangible attribute that every man needs to be 'the one' but the kicker is that you could satisfy it on one list, but not on another. It's downright frustrating. I can't say how many times I've heard, 'he just has to make me laugh.'

Humor. The ability to appraise the situation at hand and comment in such a way that appeals to the woman's interests in an amusing manner. (FYI.. potty jokes don't cut it. Take it from me.)

Call me cynical but I say bullshit. Throughout the years I have found just one other constant. Appearance. Girls are just as shallow as guys are. Whether it's slightly veiled or blatantly obvious, it's there. If he's hot, he doesn't need to be funny. Actually, scratch that. If you're hot, you're already funny. Scarlett Johansson once told Jay Leno that Brad Pitt was one of the funniest men alive. Bullshit. What she's really saying is that she finds his chiseled abs hilarious. That his playful smile is scintillating. And that his baby blues make her giggle. Girls don't really need to laugh, all they want is someone who can get their panties wet. So armed with this new epiphany, I now confidently strut around the dance floor. Wielding my goose on the rocks and carefully selecting my next victim, I bump and spill my drink all over her. 'Oh shit! Sorry girl. I was just trying to make you wet.'






So... did I? ;)