Bay Area Fail

As a person who regularly frequents the SF club scene I've come to notice a couple of recurring themes that always seem to pop up wherever I go. The hot girl bartender always seems to have an attitude. The bouncers are all horribly overweight black guys. And.. the average male club rat is completely inept when it comes to approaching girls. I can't help but notice this because after I get shot down, I look around and see countless other poor saps get rejected as well. We're like moths to a flame, masochists who never learn and always come back begging for more. We just don't seem to have the intangibles required to charm and beguile women. Frustrated, I decided to venture away from my usual haunts and observe men that are more successful in their amorous endeavors. Thus, I took advantage of a weekend jaunt down to LA and slipped my notepad into my back pocket and headed out for a night on the town in West Hollywood.

The LA player. Cocky, stylish, rich, tan, and full of swag. These guys look good and they know it. They banter, they tease, they neg, and before the girl knows it, she's caught in their web. The LA player oozes confidence and has a trophy shelf of past romantic trysts reminiscent of Matthew McConaughey's from Ghosts of Girlfriend's Past (I watch chick flicks, get over it).

The SF hipster. Ambitious, driven, capable, intelligent, and socially awkward. It goes without saying that San Francisco has more than its fair share of eligible bachelors. Countless specimens of the brightest and most creative minds call the bay their home. However, looking over this impressive population, I can't help but see thousands of Howard Wolowitzs from The Big Bang Theory scurrying about. The reason being because Wolowitz's stats read eerily similar to the average SF male's.

1) He's smart
2) He's fluent in 6 different languages
3) He has 3% body fat
4) He works for NASA

His accolades read like an Asian mom's wet dream. He's got almost everything she could ask for, except for the fact that any child he fathers should be put to sleep out of mercy. If you click on his profile, you'll see that he, like most SF guys, is utterly unattractive, overly confident, horribly dressed, and... just plain disgusting.

Great on paper, horrible in person. It's the nightmarish reality of the SF (sexually frustrated) girl. The men of SF seem to only come from two ends of the spectrum. I'm not sure if it's because of our proximity to the mightiest nerds on earth (Silicon Valley) or that we hail from two of the most prestigious alma maters in the west coast. We are either extremely cocky, over compensating for our awkward adolescence, or pathetically passive, stemming from our tormented childhood. Ladies... you have my utmost condolences. The bay has nothing to offer you except the intellectually agile, but emotionally stunted, sickly specimens of the penile gender. Maybe that's why the lesbian population has flourished in the bay.

Bromance

It's universal. Shunned, exalted, glorified, or ostracized. Homosexuality has been a part of our society since the first time the people of Sodom misinterpreted 'Love thy neighbor'. The Greek even believed that the love between two men was of a higher order than the love between a man and a woman. Personally, I can't imagine why men would lust after penii (penises?) and man boobs. Why seek out stuff you already have? The only time I'll ever check out another guy's body is to look at his abs and arms and think, 'Damn, how the hell can I get mine to look like that?' The discipline it takes to obtain the 'cut' look that women swoon over is ridiculous. You either have to have the dedication and focus of a Tibetan monk, or be obsessively compulsive and narcissistic. Hailing from neither of these, I am constantly jealous and secretly bitter whenever I go to the gym and see guys with 5% body fat. It's not that I don't work out, it's just that I love eating too much. You can take away my gadgets, my car, or even beloved 'shiao shong shong' (the scruffy teddy bear perched on my dresser that I've had since I was two years old), but threaten me with 'No more double-doubles!' and I'll crack faster than Rosie O'Donnell on the South Beach Diet.

I have no qualms about one man loving another... as long as it's the legit kind, 'Agape'. But for one reason or another, guys of my generation have all become... 'homo'. The homophobes are out, and the homophillics are ubiquitous. It's ridiculous how many pictures of ugly hookers I see on Facebook. If Halloween is an excuse for a girl to dress slutty, it's also the only time it's acceptable for guys to embrace their inner tranny. Nowadays, everywhere I go I see reenactments of Brokeback. There's a lot that can be said about present day social norms when vibrant young men in the prime of life routinely molest each other. There was a time when I absolutely refused to even hug another guy. But I've long since shed such inhibitions and embraced bromance to the fullest. If you can't beat them, join them, because the gay hetero movement relentlessly surges forward like the unforgiving flood waters of Hurricane Katrina, forever changing the landscape of male bonding.

Sometimes I feel like we're disrespecting the proud men that are truly gay. What with our loose use of the word 'fag' and all its creative euphemisms.. (sausage jockey, fudge packer, bone smoker, rump ranger, turd burglar.. and the list goes on). But thankfully I've found that, since some of my best friends are of the dual sword discipline, as long as they know you fully support their lifestyle, you're usually allowed to use the word 'gay' in everyday life. (It's similar to the use of the word 'nigga'. 'You gotta check with your nigga consulate' for when you can use it, see Chris Rock's Kill the Messenger) The other terms, well... use at your own discretion.

But on the subject of straight men acting gay, I say if I'm comfortable enough with my sexuality to slap my buddy on the ass, then who are you to judge? In the words of the 644 crew, 'It's not gay if you don't fall in love.' Girlfriends be damned. Leave room in that bed for one more. I'll join u right after I'm done hugging it out. But don't worry... No homo.