It's All an Act

What will you be when you grow up? People have been asking me that for as long as I can remember. And for as long as I can remember my response has always been a slight head tilt, a shrug of the shoulders, and a lackadaisical 'I don't know.' But recently I've reached an epiphany. My greatest aspiration in life is... to be a dad. (pause for effect) Ok no, though I'd like to think that I'd make a good dad some day. But as for what I say when I'm asked what I'll be when I grow up, I look the person straight in the eyes, throw my shoulders back, puff out my chest and say, 'a grown up.' I've got all the ingredients to be one, just haven't quite got the recipe down pat (How much is a splash of dependability? Damn these ambiguous measurements!) I know I need to be ambitious, successful, and responsible. And I can just about manage the first two, but that last one is a doozy. My career is on track. I have lots of healthy interests and hobbies. I set goals, I make plans, but at the end of the night, I always seem to have trouble beating the onset of the alcohol-induced haze and taking off my shoes before passing out in bed.

When I was small, I often looked up to my older cousins thinking wow... they're in their 20's... so old and wise and mature. Then as I grew older I found out. 26 is the new 15. Talking to them now, I find that they're pretty much just kids with work experience. The only difference is that they're capable of 'talking the talk' and using buzzwords like 'streamline deliverables' and 'operational paradigm' to sound like they actually know what they're doing. Thus, I've come to the conclusion that no one really matures, we just get better and better at faking it. We become masters at bullshitting and are able to pull off acting grown up to the casual outside observer. But put us in a bar with three or four of our close buddies and you'll see us quickly regress to daring each other to drink that horrible concoction of tabasco, mustard, coke, and mashed up french fries that we've been making since the third grade. Our banter of potty jokes certainly hasn't developed much since then either and I definitely still giggle whenever I hear someone say, 'boobs.' (hee hee)

Hopefully one day I'll be able to walk the walk instead of just being able to talk the talk. Especially after I actually become a dad and have another human being looking up to me and depending on me to teach him and guide him. But even if I don't, I plan on marrying someone who can so I can just tell him to 'ask your mom.' Because I'll be the one in charge of ordering that extra side of french fries and horseradish that will go into the cafeteria deathmix that my kids and I will be daring their Uncle Calvin to drink.