It's all a Con

Ever since I was small, I've had an obsession with 007. I've seen every Bond movie to date. I've looked up to his humor, his cunning, his fighting expertise, his charisma, and his ability to 'get the girl'. 007 is a jack of all trades and a master of infiltration. He can manipulate the situation using his innate knowledge and quick wits to turn the tide on any criminal mastermind. With a bit of luck and ingenuity, he can topple entire evil organizations within the span of a few short hours. This always amazed me as a child. More than his slew of gadgets and exotic cars. More than the harem of broken hearts he left in his wake. It was his skill in controlling others' perception of him that won him my lifelong admiration. But now I realize that it's not all that hard. In fact, we see it happen everywhere, all the time. I'm talking of course about the way women use makeup, accessories, clothes, and 'trickery' to make themselves look hot. The extent of the change varies from girl to girl but whenever I see a girl take off her makeup it always reminds me of that scene from Mission Impossible. The scene where the old guy takes off his face to reveal Tom Cruise underneath. Except in the movie, the mask is uglier than the face...

The average guy is very visual. We're not the brightest creatures on the planet so what we see plays a huge part in how we feel. Knowing this, a multi-billion dollar fashion and cosmetic industry has cropped up and been built around how to get a girl to look more appealing to men. The number of steps involved to achieve this is absolutely ridiculous. It's akin to the Navy Seals suiting up for a black op. The average time it takes me to get ready for a night out? 10 minutes (shower included). The average time it takes most girls? 2 hours. As one of the privileged few (boyfriend status for 5 years), I earned a backstage pass to the rodeo that is "Vegas club prepping" so let me drop some knowledge and expose what I like to call, Operation Gaga.

Girls have 5 major areas where they apply makeup to elicit that 'second look' from a guy. From top down, they are:

The hair. This encompasses the day to day routine on top of the game day prep. The daily regimen includes conditioners ($20 conditioners like Biolage), leave-in conditioners, hair treatments, hair-dyes, anti-frizz, shine serum, and brushing (typically 100 times a night). Game day prep is even more extensive. Girls use all sorts of add-ons in addition to the traditional hairspray, mousse, volumizers, blow-dryers, straighteners, and curling irons. There are Bump-its, hair extensions, hair pieces, and even straight up wigs to top off their look.

The eyes. Personally, I feel like this is where the biggest change occurs. It might be because eyes are my favorite feature on a girl's face, but I feel that having pretty eyes is critical. Subtle changes make a huge difference. There are so many cheats and hacks that I can't name them all but I'll try to cover a few and highlight the ones I think are the most interesting. Besides the typical eyeliner, mascara, eye shadow, and eye lash curlers there's a whole slew of 'advanced' techniques available to make their eyes pop. In what I dubbed 'the war room' (the girl's bathroom in a Vegas hotel), I've seen fake eyelashes, double eyelid tape (some sort of adhesive that gives you double eyelids for the night), color contacts, black lenses (they make your pupils appear larger and supposedly make guys more attracted to you), and stickers. Yes, stickers. To this day, I still don't understand why girls put those damn star stickers at the corners of their eyes. They make you look like a cartoon character. See video. 'Sailor Moon Transformation'.

The skin. This includes the moisturizers, facials, face masks, and billions of other products that are available to clean, cleanse, exfoliate, balance, soften, hydrate, replenish, and revitalize. I'm all for the natural, glossy sheen of healthy skin, but it's when the girls put on foundation, cover-up, powder, blush, concealer, bronzer, and that damn glitter that things turn sour. If I touch your cheek and you can't feel it, that's a deal breaker. I hate it when girls cake that stuff on and end up looking like a Korean mom.

The boobs. This is definitely an area of great importance. And along with its throne at the top of the male visual hierarchy, it comes with the ability to make the most drastic changes. While makeup as a whole typically follows the theme of subtlety (for the most part), bras are on the opposite end of the spectrum. This is where Asian girls shine. With all the wonder bras, push up bras, padded bras, water bras, silicon inserts, gel inserts, and breast reshapers, they can work wonders with their cleavage. There's even a technique where they gather up fat around their chest and back and push it into their bra to achieve a natural addition to their boobage (don't ask how I figured this one out...) Needless to say, the typical Asian male is usually sorely disappointed when it comes time to unhook that clasp.

The poses. Last but not least, we have the way girls carry themselves. They wear high heels to naturally stretch out their calves to make them appear slimmer. They pose with their elbow out and their hand at their waist to make their arms look slimmer as well. And of course, every girl knows exactly which side and how to angle their face in pictures so that they look the hottest. Exhibit A

It's almost unfair how much girls have at their disposal to look hot. And if all else fails, you still have the abnormally large sunglasses. Those huge Old Navy Grandma shades are the modern day equivalent of a paper bag. They cover half your face! Guys on the other hand are an open book. We bare ourselves for the world to see, unimpeded by the least bit of trickery. We don't have any shortcuts or backdoors (don't be dirty). If we want to look better, all we can do is go on a diet and hit the gym. Girls... what you see is what you get. When the sun sets, we're still Shrek. But Princess Fiona on the other hand...